CosmicSandBox’s Weblog

        From the time we are little kids we strive to be in control.  But very early on it becomes obvious that we aren’t in control. We are controlled by almost everything in our lives…parents, school, community, police on down to the bully on the playground. We don’t like it one bit. We want control and a predictable life, darn it!  We believe we can create this life by force. It takes a lifetime to learn we can’t.  

        The need for control is built into our hard drive as human beings and is a key to our survival. Another hard wired human need is to be nurtured, which includes being listened to, accepted and understood.  This need is even more vital to our thriving than food and shelter, because if one is truly loved and respected for themselves they are empowered to do almost anything!  However, we can’t force someone to love and respect us.

        The word empowered is the key here. The difference between empowered and enforced is huge.  It is the difference between controlling and commanding. As children we are not empowered because we haven’t earned it yet. Power is bestowed. Others will willingly submit to another who is trustworthy no matter the age, sex or race. We have examples in Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, and many others.

        The intent for wanting control over others determines whether one will be a dictator or a diplomat, whether one will hear an opposing idea or be closed minded. If the intention to control comes from fear of losing face or security, then authoritarian measures will be used to reign others in, and prove who is boss.

        But the flip side of controlling from fear is commanding from love, which overrides and transforms fear.  It is a head vs. heart issue. Control is of the head (or left brain ego mind) and command is from the heart (or right brain, intuitive mind). We speak of someone “having command” of a situation. It is so much broader and comprehensive than saying someone “has control”. With control you get the feeling of great strain to hold things together that could fall apart at any second. But with command there is a peace and security that every contingency is covered, and that all will be well in the end.

        We must wake up and realize controlling by force just makes what we’re resisting more persistent and bigger? Look at all the things we are at war against…drugs, poverty, terrorism, immigration. What would being in command over drugs, poverty, terrorism, etc. look like?  We can find out by questioning our motives for wanting control.

        To take command we must be willing to hear the opposition’s viewpoint.  Why are people taking drugs? Why are people drowning in poverty? Why are individuals choosing terrorism to get their message through? Why are people risking their lives to enter our country illegally? We will never have command if we don’t question the motives for these “wars”.

        The toxic part of controlling is that it can never instill trust because its source is fear. Inability to trust causes control freaks with a myriad of psychotic disorders manifesting as addictions, perversions, and fanaticism, both political and religious.  When we don’t trust ourselves, we can’t trust others. Without trust, true power or command is impossible. IMPOSSIBLE! 

        Trust originates in the heart, not the head. We can’t talk ourselves into trusting ourselves. We can only earn that trust of ourselves by being authentic and honest with ourselves and others. Then we have command of our circumstances and have clarity for decisions.

        Our biggest and only enemy that needs to be controlled is fear. It truly is the root of all evil. It takes over our minds and drowns out our heart’s wisdom, which makes us desperate to have control, which then creates more fear…the classic vicious circle.

        Think about your motive the next time you find yourself wanting to control another. Knowing it won’t work, can you refrain and choose instead to empower the situation by following your heart, knowing what is the very best for all in the long run?  Control can be a quick fix, but never the solution. The issue merely subsides to create a bigger problem later. Gaining command of the situation through trust and understanding transforms it. The choice is always ours.